Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Merry Christmas. Now let's get drunk. AKA I Love Huckabees

I'm so sick of everyone attacking Mike Huckabee. I mean, can't a guy be a crazy religious nut case without everyone getting all holier than thou about it? This country is in terrible shape if some guy running for president can't enjoy the birth of Christ with his Christmas tree and mysteriously cross-shaped book shelf on a commercial that airs in Iowa and New Hampshire. If not, then we're all literally going to hell in a hand-basket. Literally. You heard me. In honor of this truly bat-shit-crazy presidential hopeful, let's indulge in a little X-Mas boozin'. Here's a tasty little cocktail that will make your girl want to be the the furthest thing possible from the Virgin Mary, know what I mean? No? Jesus, pal. Get with it, this is a short and easy recipe and you just may miss it, so stop jingling your bells and pay attention.

Oatmeal Cookie Martini

(courtesy of the Opal Ultra Lounge, Montbleu resort Casino & Spa, Lake Tahoe)

1 part Goldshl├Ąger
1 part J├Ągermeister
1 part butterschotch schnapps
1 part Bailey's

Shake and strain. Then garnish with two raisins, placing them at the bottom of the martini glass. Drink 15-20 of these.

Last time I had one of these, the Raiderettes and I got kicked off of Air Force One for being too loud in the executive cabin. That never used to happen when Clinton was president.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Fuck you, Cupcakes.

What the hell, man? What is with these chicks? It seems like every time the Victoria's Secret girls are done with their pillow fights over at the Vegas Casino I own, they want cupcakes. When did cupcakes get so trendy? This really snuck up on me. I mean, usually I'm prepared for a sneak attack due to my ninja reflexes always being two steps ahead of everyone else, but these cupcakes are a real bitch.

Dudes, chicks go bananas for these things. Personally I don't get it, but for your sake, I'll point you in the direction of some places to get them. I've never been to them personally since I usually have my good friends, George Clooney and Brad Pitt pick some up before we go golfing with J.Lo's ass. I'm not going to give you any recipes since these girls at the cupcake stores will do a much better job**.

In the SF Bay Area try the following spots:

Kara's Cupcakes

3249 Scott St
(between Chestnut St & Lombard St)
San Francisco, CA 94123
(415) 563-2253

American Cupcake

415) 244-7650

Sweet Things

3585 California Street
(between Locust St & Spruce St)
San Francisco, CA 94118
(415) 221-8583

Any of the three of these spots should satisfy. If you don't live in the Bay Area, let me know, and I'll swing by in my private jet flown by John Travolta and Snoop, and pick you up. Also, if you don't have a girl to get cupcakes for then maybe you can meet one at the cupcake store, since hanging out by yourself at a cupcake shop isn't creepy.

**Don't get me wrong, fellas, I have the utmost confidence that you could bake some cute little tasty cupcakes, but these will look better and save you the trouble. Plus, sometimes just going out and buying some dessert-type stuff will make her nuttier than a port-a-potty at a peanut festival. (What?)

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Hey Hanukkah, enough already.

If you're like me your love for the Festival of Lights burns bright inside you like a bug-zapper. But also like me, I'm sure you are sick and tired of Hanukkah before it even starts due to the constant barrage of advertising that saturates the airwaves starting around Passover. If I see one more Macy's Hanukkah Sale commercial while I'm trying to watch a hockey fight I'm gonna throw down like a drunken Canadian logger. I used to love The O'Reily Factor, but in recent years that guy won't stop yapping about Hanukkah and how great it is, and how much he loves Jewish people and Democrats. What a schmuck. But you're not here to kvetch about the commercialization of Hanukkah are you? Of course not. You're here to get some bad-ass recipes to cook for your girl! Now since I'm not entirely an expert in Hanukkah dishes (due to my mastery of Taekwondo, I don't have much time for anything besides kicking ass and avenging the death of my sensei), I consulted the experts in Jewish cuisine: The Food Network. So, the following ideas were inspired by (see stolen from) recipes found there. Thanks Emeril, you're a real mensch.

I'm just gonna cover the basics here, buddy, 'cause I've got a Hanukkah date with Mel Gibson's daughter, and she is hot. So let's make some f*ckin' Potato Latkes!

Here is Joan Nathan's take on this tasty treat. . .

2 pounds russet (baking) or Yukon Gold potatoes
1 medium onion
1/2 cup chopped scallions, including the green part
1 large egg beaten
Salt and pepper to taste
Vegetable oil for frying

Peel the potatoes and put in cold water. Using a grater or a food processor coarsely grate the potatoes and onions. Place together in a fine-mesh strainer or tea towel and squeeze all the water over a bowl. The potato starch will settle to the bottom; reserve that after you have carefully poured off the water. Mix the potato and onion with the potato starch. Add the scallions, egg, and salt and pepper. Heat a griddle or non-stick pan and coat with a thin film of vegetable oil. Take about 2 tablespoons of the potato mixture in the palm of your hand and flatten as best you can. Place the potato mixture on the griddle, flatten with a spatula, and fry for a few minutes until golden. Flip the pancake over and brown the other side. Remove to paper towels to drain. Serve immediately. You can also freeze the potato pancakes and crisp them in a 350- degree oven at a later time.

This seemed to be the best recipe they had, and I did some focus groups that proved it was a great recipe.

Latkes are traditionally served with applesauce, but if you're like me, you already serve everything with applesauce. But here's a homemade recipe that'll taste just like Grandma's. . .

4 pounds apples
1 lemon
2 cinnamon sticks
1/2 cup apple juice, cider, or water
Honey, brown sugar, or maple syrup to taste

Quarter the apples and the lemon. Place in a heavy pot with cinnamon sticks. Add apple juice, cider, or water. Cover, bring to a boil, and them simmer over low heat, stirring occasionally to turn the apples and making sure they do not stick. You may want to add some liquid. Cook about 20 minutes, or until the apples are soft. Remove cinnamon sticks. Put the sauce through a food mill and adjust seasoning by adding honey, brown sugar, or maple syrup to taste.

Look, dude, I know making you're own applesauce sounds like a lot of work. But really it's not that bad. Of course, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do, unless you're having Hanukkah dinner at David Copperfield's place. Some store bought stuff will be OK, but is sure not to impress the way a-sauce from scratch will.

I would put a brisket recipe on here (The Food Network wants to pair their Latkes with Pork Chops, those fools) but I think you've got enough here to get your girl calling you Moses. For your sake, though, let's hope she's not thinking about Moses Malone.

Hanukkah, dude. Hanukkah.