Merry Christmas. Now let's get drunk. AKA I Love Huckabees

I'm so sick of everyone attacking Mike Huckabee. I mean, can't a guy be a crazy religious nut case without everyone getting all holier than thou about it? This country is in terrible shape if some guy running for president can't enjoy the birth of Christ with his Christmas tree and mysteriously cross-shaped book shelf on a commercial that airs in Iowa and New Hampshire. If not, then we're all literally going to hell in a hand-basket. Literally. You heard me. In honor of this truly bat-shit-crazy presidential hopeful, let's indulge in a little X-Mas boozin'. Here's a tasty little cocktail that will make your girl want to be the the furthest thing possible from the Virgin Mary, know what I mean? No? Jesus, pal. Get with it, this is a short and easy recipe and you just may miss it, so stop jingling your bells and pay attention.

Oatmeal Cookie Martini
(courtesy of the Opal Ultra Lounge, Montbleu resort Casino & Spa, Lake Tahoe)

1 part Goldshläger
1 part Jägermeister
1 part butterschotch schnapps
1 part Bailey's

Shake and strain. Then garnish with two raisins, placing them at the bottom of the martini glass. Drink 15-20 of these.

Last time I had one of these, the Raiderettes and I got kicked off of Air Force One for being too loud in the executive cabin. That never used to happen when Clinton was president.

Fuck you, Cupcakes.

What the hell, man? What is with these chicks? It seems like every time the Victoria's Secret girls are done with their pillow fights over at the Vegas Casino I own, they want cupcakes. When did cupcakes get so trendy? This really snuck up on me. I mean, usually I'm prepared for a sneak attack due to my ninja reflexes always being two steps ahead of everyone else, but these cupcakes are a real bitch.

Dudes, chicks go bananas for these things. Personally I don't get it, but for your sake, I'll point you in the direction of some places to get them. I've never been to them personally since I usually have my good friends, George Clooney and Brad Pitt pick some up before we go golfing with J.Lo's ass. I'm not going to give you any recipes since these girls at the cupcake stores will do a much better job**.

In the SF Bay Area try the following spots:

Kara's Cupcakes

3249 Scott St
(between Chestnut St & Lombard St)
San Francisco, CA 94123
(415) 563-2253
www.karascupcakes.com

American Cupcake

415) 244-7650
www.americancupcake.com

Sweet Things

3585 California Street
(between Locust St & Spruce St)
San Francisco, CA 94118
(415) 221-8583
www.sweetthings.com/

Any of the three of these spots should satisfy. If you don't live in the Bay Area, let me know, and I'll swing by in my private jet flown by John Travolta and Snoop, and pick you up. Also, if you don't have a girl to get cupcakes for then maybe you can meet one at the cupcake store, since hanging out by yourself at a cupcake shop isn't creepy.

**Don't get me wrong, fellas, I have the utmost confidence that you could bake some cute little tasty cupcakes, but these will look better and save you the trouble. Plus, sometimes just going out and buying some dessert-type stuff will make her nuttier than a port-a-potty at a peanut festival. (What?)